I think it's really about seeking control and letting go of control at the same time. Like I tell myself the story that if I'm this thin, glowing creature then I'm in control. But then at the same time I call BS on that so I let myself eat pizza or have ice cream sometimes. But then I see my body shape and am like, 'Shit, I'm not in control." Shame spiral/ mind f*ck. And then I wrestle with accepting what the health at any size movement teaches, which is that so much or our weight is genetic, and weight really isn't a barometer of health, or beauty, or even "control," unless you're talking about controlling your very genes. It makes me so mad that I live in a culture that has me feeling like an out of control failure for looking the way I look.